My Life as a Human Hockey Puck Read online

  “Well, what I’m trying to say is, I really learned my lesson and, uh . . .”

  Without a word, Opera opened the bag, took a moment to savor the heavenly aroma, then offered the first chip to me. Gratefully, I took one, and munched away—secretly hoping I wouldn’t break a tooth on their super-duper crunchiness.

  He reached in the bag and started eating, too. I cleared my throat. “Okay, what I’m trying to say is I’m really sorr—”

  “Have another?” He held the bag out to me. I looked at him a moment. Slowly I started to understand. This was how he wanted to make up. This was how he said everything was okay—the two of us just sitting in silence, eating the most valuable potato chips in the world.

  I nodded a thanks, and reached in for another.

  So did he.

  And there we sat, munching away. We never brought up the subject again. It was like we both already knew, and nothing more ever needed to be said.

  When we finished off the bag, Opera rose to his feet.

  “See ya tomorrow,” he said.

  “Yeah,” I said, “See ya.”

  I leaned back on my pillow and sighed. Not only had I learned a valuable lesson about jealousy, but I had just made peace with my best friend while putting down about ten thousand salt-saturated calories. Life was good. Everything was good. Well, everything except Macho Man’s little predicament.

  Reaching for ol’ Betsy, I snapped her on and finished my story. . . .

  When we last left Macho Man, he and the entire universe were in the dark. He had just killed Trickster’s tweaked-out Time Twister Computer. Unfortunately that also meant killing time...literally. Every form of time was dead——dinnertime, pastime, showtime, bedtime. (Wait a minute, was that another silver lining?) In any case, something has to be done. And since we only have three pages left of this story, he better work fast!

  Time Trickster’s mind works like clockwork——okay, so we can’t use clock-work—— How ’bout homework? Housework?

  “We have to use our brains!” Time Trickster shouts. “We have to sneak up and catch it.”

  “Catch what?”

  “Time.”

  “How?”

  “Hit me on the head.”

  “That’s stupid.”

  “That’s why I’m asking you to do it. Just hit me on the head, and I’ll explain.”

  Macho Man tries to think it through, but since thinking has never been one of his strong suits, he shrugs his stupendously strong shoulders, bulges his brawny biceps, and barely taps the bad guy on the bean——which sends Trickster staggering and falling into a fit of unconsciousness.

  “Sorry,” Macho Man says as he finally revives Trickster. “I guess I don’t know my own strength.”

  “That’s okay, Miniature Mind. I want you to do it again, just like that last time.”

  “But there is no last ti——”

  “Shhh,” the Trickster whispers. “If you do it again, just like the last time, we’ll prove there was a last time. And if we prove there was a last time, then we can prove there is time. Got it?”

  “Got it,” Macho Man nods, not getting it at all.

  “Good.” Trickster braces himself. “Okay, hit me exactly as you did before.”

  Macho Man leans back and carefully crashes the Trickster’s cranium. Repeat performance of the staggering and falling routine. Only this time, as Trickster’s lights go out, the universe’s lights come on.

  “We did it!” Macho Man shouts. “We brought back time.”

  “That’s terrific,” Time Trickster mumbles as he comes to, and rubs another lump on his head.

  “Well, I hope you’ve learned your lesson,” Muscle Man says as he helps Trickster to his feet.

  “I sure have. I’ve learned that above all else...” he pauses and looks at Macho Man with a twinkle in his eye... “I’ve learned that TIME doesn’t pay.” Trickster busts a gut laughing.

  It is the worst joke Macho Man has ever heard, but he tries to smile politely. Suddenly, Trickster throws his arm around him and fires off another groaner. “I tell you, Mutant Mind, I really didn’t mind killing time, after all...time’s killing me.” Again he laughs.

  Macho Man fidgets nervously. As they turn for the expected stroll off into the sunset, he wonders if maybe he hit Trickster just a little too hard on the noggin.

  “Say Macho Man, what time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?”

  Now he’s sure of it.

  But, turning the Time Trickster into the world’s worst comic seems a small price to pay. After all, time is once again safe and secure. Once again time is absolutely predictable and dependable. (Now if he could just get his hands on those guys who keep changing us back and forth to Daylight Savings Time.) In any case, it has been another victorious victory of another adventuresome adventure with the marvelously muscular and oh so manly...(insert superhero music here)...Macho Man McDoogle!

  By the way, what is the purpose of Daylight Savings Time?

  You’ll want to read them all.

  THE INCREDIBLE WORLDS OF

  WALLY MCDOOGLE

  #1—My Life As a Smashed Burrito with Extra Hot Sauce

  Twelve-year-old Wally—“The walking disaster area”—is forced to stand up to Camp Wahkah Wahkah’s number one all-American bad guy. One hilarious mishap follows another until, fighting together for their very lives, Wally learns the need for even his worst enemy to receive Jesus Christ. (ISBN 0-8499-3402-8)

  #2—My Life As Alien Monster Bait

  “Hollyweird” comes to Middletown! Wally’s a superstar! A movie company has chosen our hero to be eaten by their mechanical “Mutant from Mars!” It’s a close race as to which will consume Wally first-the disaster-plagued special effects “monster” or his own out-of-control pride . . . until he learns the cost of true friendship and of God’s command for humility. (ISBN 0-8499-3403-6)

  #3—My Life As a Broken Bungee Cord

  A hot-air balloon race! What could be more fun? Then again, we’re talking about Wally McDoogle, the “Human Catastrophe.” Calamity builds on calamity until, with his life on the line, Wally learns what it means to fully put his trust in God. (ISBN 0-8499-3404-4)

  #4—My Life As Crocodile Junk Food

  Wally visits missionary friends in the South American rain forest. Here he stumbles onto a whole new set of impossible predicaments . . . until he understands the need and joy of sharing Jesus Christ with others. (ISBN 0-8499-3405-2)

  #5—My Life As Dinosaur Dental Floss

  It starts with a practical joke that snowballs into near disaster. Risking his life to protect his country, Wally is pursued by a SWAT team, bungling terrorists, photosnapping tourists, Gary the Gorilla, and a TV news reporter. After prehistoric-size mishaps and a talk with the President, Wally learns that maybe honesty really is the best policy. (ISBN 0-8499-3537-7)

  #6—My Life As a Torpedo Test Target

  Wally uncovers the mysterious secrets of a sunken submarine. As dreams of fame and glory increase, so do the famous McDoogle mishaps. Besides hostile sea creatures, hostile pirates, and hostile Wally McDoogle clumsiness, there is the war against his own greed and selfishness. It isn’t until Wally finds himself on a wild ride atop a misguided torpedo that he realizes the source of true greatness. (ISBN 0-8499-3538-5)

  #7—My Life As a Human Hockey Puck

  Look out. . . Wally McDoogle turns athlete! Jealousy and envy drive Wally from one hilarious calamity to another until, as the team's mascot, he learns humility while suddenly being thrown in to play goalie for the Middletown Super Chickens! (ISBN 0-8499-3601-2)

  #8—My Life As an Afterthought Astronaut

  “Just cause I didn’t follow the rules doesn’t make it my fault that the Space Shuttle almost crashed. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of my fault. But not the part when Pilot O’Brien was spacewalking and I accidently knocked him halfway to Jupiter. . . .” So begins another hilarious Wally McDoogle MISadventure as our boy blunder stows aboard the Space Sh
uttle and learns the importance of: Obeying the Rules! (ISBN 0-8499-3602-0)

  #9—My Life As Reindeer Road Kill

  Santa on an out-of-control four wheeler? Electrical Rudolph on the rampage? Nothing unusual, just Wally McDoogle doing some last-minute Christmas shopping . . . FOR GOD! Our boy blunder dreams that an angel has invited him to a birthday party for Jesus. Chaos and comedy follow as he turns the town upside down looking for the perfect gift, until he finally bumbles his way into the real reason for the Season. (ISBN 0-8499-3866-X)

  #10—My Life As a Toasted Time Traveler

  Wally travels back from the future to warn himself of an upcoming accident. But before he knows it, there are more Wallys running around than even Wally himself can handle. Catastrophes reach an all-time high as Wally tries to outthink God and rewrite history. (ISBN 0-8499-3867-8)