My Life as a Computer Cockroach Page 7

  Wall Street stayed at my heels, arguing all the way. “If you destroy Ol’ Betsy, you’ll destroy your Choco Chum story! You’ll destroy all of our hard work . . .”

  I turned and entered the bathroom.

  8 seconds . . .

  Wall Street continued. “You’ll wind up getting that F in P.E.”

  I nodded. Now at last we were getting close to the truth.

  “. . . and I’ll, I’ll, I’ll wind up getting a C in English instead of a B!”

  We were even closer.

  6 seconds.

  I arrived at the tub. It was full. With shaky hands I held Ol’ Betsy over it. The water was deep and clear . . . and it would spell instant death for her.

  “Wally! There has to be another way!”

  I couldn’t think of any. I had to destroy the computer bug. I had to destroy Ol’ Betsy.

  4 seconds.

  “Delete!” Wall Street shouted. “Hit the delete button! It will erase all of your Choco Chum story! It will erase everything we’ve ever written for him to do.”

  3 seconds . . .

  I looked at her. I looked at Ol’ Betsy. Maybe she was right, maybe there was another way. Maybe I could spare Ol’ Betsy’s life and still straighten everything out. Maybe all I had to do was to delete the Choco Chum story.

  2 seconds . . .

  “Wally, you’ve got to believe me! Just hit ‘DELETE’!”

  I reached for the delete key, my finger hovering over it.

  1 second . . .

  “Wally, do it! Hit the delete key! Now! Hit it now!” Finally, I pressed it.

  Ol’ Betsy started churning and grinding away, making more noise than Dad’s stomach in church when he’s had too many pieces of anchovy pizza the night before. It was pretty obvious, the old girl didn’t want to give up the program. But she kept on grinding until finally, after a couple of last-minute grunts and a few more groans, the most amazing thing happened . . .

  A single cockroach scurried out from under the keypad. He glanced around kind of dazed and confused. He looked up at me, gave his antennae a little rub, then hopped off the keyboard and into the tub, landing with the tiniest splash. After a dozen backstrokes he made it to the edge of the tub, crawled up the side, and disappeared into a crack in the molding.

  “That was it!” Wall Street cried. “That’s what was wrong with Ol’ Betsy. That’s what was scrambling up her program. She really did have a computer bug!”

  I hoped Wall Street was right, but I couldn’t be certain, not yet. I stuffed Ol’ Betsy under my arm and headed back into the hallway. Out there, soldiers were standing around, scratching their heads, looking confused and trying to figure out what had happened.

  I headed for the stairs. Down below the General was still shouting out orders, but they were a different type. “All right, men, I want this place shipshape and clean as a whistle—and I mean now!”

  As I arrived, he spotted me and walked over. “Sorry, kid,” he said. “I’m not sure what all happened.” He let out a long sigh and continued. “Best we figure, it was that Millennium Bug. Messed up everybody’s computers—the government’s, the military’s, everyone’s.”

  I slowly nodded.

  “Not to worry, though,” he said. “Looks like some genius has just solved it. Before you know it, everything will be back to normal.”

  I nodded again.

  “Oh, here,” he said, handing me the phone. “It’s the President. He still wants to talk to you.”

  I took it in shaking hands and numbly answered, “Hello?”

  “Wally? Wally McDoogle?”

  “Yes, sir?”

  “Listen, sorry about the little mix-up. Best we figure it was that Millennium Bug thing.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Anyway, I trust there are no hard feelings. Tell your folks we’ll get the house and everything else fixed up lickety-split.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Oh, and Wally.”

  “Sir?”

  “To help express our sincere apology and to prove there are no hard feelings . . .”

  “Sir?”

  “Well, tell your friend, Opera, that there will be no charge for all those Spam chips he’s eaten.”

  “Thank you, sir,” I said. And then, ever so slowly, I hung up.

  It only took a few days for things to get cleared up. Eventually, the power came back on, stores got food back in, and people finally started to relax. Of course, everybody had their theories about what had happened. But only Opera, Wall Street, and I knew what had really gone on and what the real “computer bug” was. And now that everything was all fixed up, we figured why bother explaining. After all, what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt us.

  When school finally began, Coach Kilroy was back, doing what he did best . . . flunking me and shouting, “Come on, McDoogle, move it, move it, move it!” Opera returned to having to buy his own potato chips. And Wall Street, well, Wall Street was already dreaming up another plan to make her millions . . . something about selling original pieces of Noah’s Ark (the fact that they were plastic and made in Hong Kong didn’t seem to slow her down any). Good old Wall Street.

  I, on the other hand, had decided to return to writing my superhero story. Chocolate Chum was history, he’d always be history; just typing his name made me nervous. But that was okay ’cause I’d already dreamed up a replacement. So late the following evening, I opened up Ol’ Betsy and once again started . . .

  It has been another super swell day for the stunningly stupendous and superb superhero...Lemon Lad. Already he has talked a restaurant chain into replacing all their maple syrup with lemon juice (ever try waffles smothered in lemon juice?...Don’t!), convinced a local broccoli farm to start selling broccoli pickled in lemon juice (Double Don’t!), and broken up a half-dozen Lemon Lovers Anonymous meetings by standing up and shouting, “Hi, my name’s Lemon Lad, I’m a Lemonaholic...AND I’M PROUD OF IT!”

  Now, with the satisfaction that he has again made the world a tastier, tarter, and just a little bit tangier place to live, our hero pops out his microwave meal of spaghetti and lemon balls (smothered in extra lemon juice), and heads on over to turn on the TV.

  But instead of his favorite game show, Wheel of Lemons, there’s a bunch of crazed overweight guys yelling and jabbing their fingers at each other. “Oh, brother,” our hero groans, “it’s another political debate”...until he realizes these guys aren’t politicians, but professional wrestlers.

  He switches channels.

  But it’s the same thing. Instead of Touched by a Lemon Drop, it’s another wrestling match.

  He switches again. Now, instead of that famous lemon wedge singing, “I love you, you love me,” there’s even more wrestling.

  I hesitated a second and stared at the screen. It looked like we were off to a pretty good start. Only this time my hero wouldn’t get sidetracked with any urge to cheat. Neither would I. Truth is, I planned never to cheat again. Call it learning another one of life’s little lessons. The point is, it doesn’t make any difference how small the cheat is, or how secretive you think you’re being . . . one way or another, it will always come back and get you. Always.

  I was about to resume typing when I noticed the slightest movement against the far wall . . . the wall next to the bathroom where my little cockroach buddy had disappeared. Without a word, I reached into my desk drawer, pulled out a can of Raid, and continued typing.

  Yes, sir, life is full of lots of lessons. Including, of course, the old motto . . . always be prepared.

  You’ll want to read them all.

  THE INCREDIBLE WORLDS OF

  WALLY MCDOOGLE

  #1—My Life As a Smashed Burrito with Extra Hot Sauce

  Twelve-year-old Wally—the “Walking Disaster Area”—is forced to stand up to Camp Wahkah Wahkah’s number one all-American bad guy. One hilarious mishap follows another until, fighting together for their very lives, Wally learns the need for even his worst enemy to receive Jes
us Christ. (ISBN 0-8499-3402-8)

  #2—My Life As Alien Monster Bait

  “Hollyweird” comes to Middletown! Wally’s a superstar! A movie company has chosen our hero to be eaten by their mechanical “Mutant from Mars”! It’s a close race as to which will consume Wally first— the disaster-plagued special effects “monster” or his own out-of-control pride—until he learns the cost of true friendship and of God’s command for humility. (ISBN 0-8499-3403-6)

  #3—My Life As a Broken Bungee Cord

  A hot-air balloon race! What could be more fun? Then again, we’re talking about Wally McDoogle, the “Human Catastrophe.” Calamity builds on calamity until, with his life on the line, Wally learns what it means to FULLY put his trust in God. (ISBN 0-8499-3404-4)

  #4—My Life As Crocodile Junk Food

  Wally visits missionary friends in the South American rain forest. Here he stumbles onto a whole new set of impossible predicaments . . . until he understands the need and joy of sharing Jesus Christ with others. (ISBN 0-8499-3405-2)

  #5—My Life As Dinosaur Dental Floss

  A practical joke snowballs into near disaster. After prehistoric-size mishaps and a talk with the President, Wally learns that honesty really is the best policy. (ISBN 0-8499-3537-7)

  #6—My Life As a Torpedo Test Target

  Wally uncovers the mysterious secrets of a sunken submarine. As dreams of fame and glory increase, so do the famous McDoogle mishaps. Besides hostile sea creatures, hostile pirates, and hostile Wally McDoogle clumsiness, there is the war against his own greed and selfishness. It isn’t until Wally finds himself on a wild ride atop a misguided torpedo that he realizes the source of true greatness. (ISBN 0-8499-3538-5)

  #7—My Life As a Human Hockey Puck

  Look out . . . Wally McDoogle turns athlete! Jealousy and envy drive Wally from one hilarious calamity to another until, as the team’s mascot, he learns humility while suddenly being thrown in to play goalie for the Middletown Super Chickens! (ISBN 0-8499-3601-2)

  #8—My Life As an Afterthought Astronaut

  “Just ’cause I didn’t follow the rules doesn’t make it my fault that the Space Shuttle almost crashed. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of my fault. But not the part when Pilot O’Brien was spacewalking and I accidentally knocked him halfway to Jupiter . . .” So begins another hilarious Wally McDoogle MISadventure as our boy blunder stows aboard the Space Shuttle and learns the importance of: Obeying the Rules! (ISBN 0-8499-3602-0)

  #9—My Life As Reindeer Road Kill

  Santa on an out-of-control four wheeler? Electrical Rudolph on the rampage? Nothing unusual, just Wally McDoogle doing some last-minute Christmas shopping . . . FOR GOD! Our boy blunder dreams that an angel has invited him to a birthday party for Jesus. Chaos and comedy follow as he turns the town upside down looking for the perfect gift, until he finally bumbles his way into the real reason for the season. (ISBN 0-8499-3866-X)

  #10—My Life As a Toasted Time Traveler

  Wally travels back from the future to warn himself of an upcoming accident. But before he knows it, there are more Wallys running around than even Wally himself can handle. Catastrophes reach an all-time high as Wally tries to out-think God and rewrite history. (ISBN 0-8499-3867-8)

  #11—My Life As Polluted Pond Scum

  This laugh-filled Wally disaster includes: a monster lurking in the depths of a mysterious lake . . . a glowing figure with powers to summon the creature to the shore . . . and one Wally McDoogle, who reluctantly stumbles upon the truth.Wally’s entire town is in danger. He must race against the clock and his own fears and learn to trust God before he has any chance of saving the day. (ISBN 0-8499-3875-9)

  #12—My Life As a Bigfoot Breath Mint

  Wally gets his big break to star with his uncle Max in the famous Fantasmo World stunt show. Unlike his father, whom Wally secretly suspects to be a major loser, Uncle Max is everything Wally longs to be . . . or so it appears. But Wally soon discovers the truth and learns who the real hero is in his life. (ISBN 0-8499-3876-7)

  #13—My Life As a Blundering Ballerina

  Wally agrees to switch places with Wall Street. Everyone is in on the act as the two try to survive seventy-two hours in each other’s shoes and learn the importance of respecting other people. (ISBN 0-8499-4022-2)

  #14—My Life As a Screaming Skydiver

  Master of mayhem Wally turns a game of laser tag into international espionage. From the Swiss Alps to the African plains, Agent 001/7th bumblingly employs such top-secret gizmos as rocket-powered toilet paper, exploding dental floss, and the ever-popular transformer tacos to stop the dreaded and super secret . . . Giggle Gun. (ISBN 0-8499-4023-0)

  #15—My Life As a Human Hairball

  When Wally and Wall Street visit a local laboratory, they are accidentally miniaturized and swallowed by some unknown stranger. It is a race against the clock as they fly through various parts of the body in a desperate search for a way out while learning how wonderfully we’re made. (ISBN 0-8499-4024-9)

  #16—My Life As a Walrus Whoopee Cushion

  Wally and his buddies, Opera and Wall Street, win the Gazillion Dollar Lotto! Everything is great, until they realize they lost the ticket at the zoo! Add some bungling bad guys, a zoo break-in, the release of all the animals, a SWAT team or two . . . and you have the usual McDoogle mayhem as Wally learns the dangers of greed. (ISBN 0-8499-4025-7)

  #17—My Life As a Computer Cockroach (formerly My Life As a Mixed-Up Millennium Bug)

  When Wally accidentally fries the circuits of Ol’ Betsy, his beloved laptop computer, suddenly whatever he types turns into reality! At 11:59, New Year’s Eve, Wally tries retyping the truth into his computer— which shorts out every other computer in the world. By midnight, the entire universe has credited Wally’s mishap to the MILLENNIUM BUG! Panic, chaos, and hilarity start the new century, thanks to our beloved boy blunder. (ISBN 0-8499-4026-5)

  #18—My Life As a Beat-Up Basketball Backboard

  Ricko Slicko’s Advertising Agency claims that they can turn the dorkiest human in the world into the most popular. And who better to prove this than our boy blunder, Wally McDoogle! Soon he has his own TV series and fans wearing glasses just like his. But when he tries to be a star athlete for his school basketball team, Wally finally learns that being popular isn’t all it’s cut out to be. (ISBN 0-8499-4027-3)

  #19—My Life As a Cowboy Cowpie

  Once again our part-time hero and full-time walking disaster area finds himself smack-dab in another misadventure. This time it’s full of dude-ranch disasters, bungling broncobusters, and the world’s biggest cow—well, let’s just say it’s not a pretty picture (or a pleasant-smelling one). Through it all, Wally learns the dangers of seeking revenge. (ISBN 0-8499-5990-X)

  #20—My Life As Invisible Intestines

  When Wally becomes invisible, he can do whatever he wants, like humiliating bullies, or helping the local football team win. But the fun is short-lived when everyone from a crazy ghostbuster to the 59 1/2 Minutes TV show to the neighbor’s new dog begin pursuing him. Soon Wally is stumbling and through another incredible disaster . . . until he finally learns that cheating and taking shortcuts in life are not all they’re cracked up to be and that honesty really is the best policy. (ISBN 0-8499-5991-8)